![]() ![]() It’s probably a major motivator behind my actions. I don’t think I will ever be able to relinquish my desire for gold stars. “Wow, you really resisted eating that chocolate-chip cookie batter, great job, Gretchen!” “Zoikes, look at how nice and tidy the girls’ rooms look, you really worked hard!” It’s silly, but it actually works. I allow myself to revel in my accomplishments and pat myself on the back. I’ve also started giving myself more gold stars. No one else even has to notice what I’ve done. This sounds selfish, but in fact, it’s less selfish, because it means I don’t expect praise or appreciation from anyone else. I want to make homemade Mother’s Day presents. I want to clean out the kitchen cabinets. This is what I want.” I want to send out Valentine’s cards. Now, however, I tell myself, “I’m doing this for myself. Then I'd be angry if no one oohed and aahed over what I'd done. I used to have a self-congratulatory habit, when I did something nice for our household, of telling myself, “I’m doing this for the Big Man,” or “I’m doing this for the team.” Like I was so generous and thoughtful and giving. ![]() I want to act out of love, without calculation. I don’t want to keep score, I don’t want to feel grudging, I don’t want to feel cheated if I don’t get a gold star stuck to the top of my spelling homework. That’s why I added “No calculation” to my Twelve Commandments (see left column). Therese wrote, “When one loves, one does not calculate.” Therese of Lisieux’s memoir, Story of a Soul. To try to combat this expectation, I keep reminding myself of a line from one of my favorite happiness works, St. When I don’t get that praise, I feel furious and hurt. Only recently, however, have I understood that a major source of this irritability is my belief that I deserve to be praised and appreciated for what I do. I recognized that I was prone to quick bursts of anger and resentment. ![]() Since I’ve tried to give up those gold stars, however, I’ve come to understand how much this desire was costing me. One of my most challenging resolutions has been my resolution, “Don’t expect praise or appreciation.” I crave praise and appreciation I really want to win my gold stars. ![]()
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December 2022
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